serenity...

I used to be a "meditator"...yep, used to actually get up early and sit for 30 minutes in silence, just breathing. It was, I think, a huge key to my survival during a very difficult time. As my life has changed for the better, and I have found other things to do with my time, my meditation practice has ceased. I played at it for a while, for a time formally once a week, then half-heartedly, then half-assedly, now almost never. I have reverted back to my monkey mind...ceaseless chattering and jumping about. It is time for a change. I need my time of silence back, but not for survival this time. Now it won't be the life sustaining glucose of an IV infusion into a comatose body, but the sweet icing on a warm cinnamon roll--purely to make my life richer and sweeter. A gift of time for me, from me.

thankful...

For family, friends, health, good fortune, shelter, food, pets, love, kindness, dreams, and the sheer beauty of life past, present, and future....

friendship...

Today was a wonderful day. I endured a difficult few moments; had my "day in court", shall we say, and won a victory for my kids. But the best part of it all was being surrounded and supported by my friends. I was literally held up on both sides, both hands grasped tightly by loving girlfriends, tissues supplied, shoulders offered, loving smiles, pats of encouragement. And there were more friends there: beside me, around me, in front of me, behind me...extraordinarily kind people who took time to be with me just because they wanted to support me and my chidren. I am truely, truely blessed beyond comprehension.
Thank you my sweet, kind friends...I love you all....

dog tired...

A lot seems to be happening at once. Potential new job. Child moving back home. End of nightmare trial. Holidays. Seeing old friends. Planning trips, or not. No wonder I am tired.

follow, follow, follow, follow......

New adventures always remind me of the scene in The Wizard of Ox where Dorothy is starting her journey on the yellow brick road--at the very beginning--the spiral point where the red brick and yellow brick paths begin. The red path just disappears unnoticed as she hesitantly walks along the yellow path, while munchkins jump out at her encouraging her along. It was really the only option; after all, what the hell else was she supposed to do? Hang with the little people and that house with the dead witch under it?

gratitude...

Precious Universe,

Thank you. With all my heart, I thank you...

thought for the day...

sometimes after the party all you have left are a few pieces of confetti...

knowing...

A friend of my family's has "come out" to his parents, and is amazed at their love and acceptance. Isn't that sad? Not that he is gay, but that he had to worry for even a single second that his parents, who love him more than he can even imagine, would not accept him for who he is. Still, isn't life like that? Aren't we always living in fear that we will not be accepted or loved--especially because of the very things that make us who we are? The things we cannot change. The things we shouldn't try to hide. The very essence of our being.
My children are teaching me that about myself...as I love them unconditionally--despite the disappointments, surpises, disagreements, flat out fights--I still honor, respect, admire, and yes, LOVE the very essence of who they are. And I am honored every day to be their mom.
I also know that about the Universe, or whatever you choose to call the divine force of love that most people call "God". No matter what we perceive as failing, sin, wrong-doing, fucking-up; no matter what we believe or don't believe or what we choose to call ourselves we are loved. Beyond our wildest imaginations. Loved and accepted and welcomed and honored. By the Universe. By the great Knowing. By Love.

reflections...

we are all right where we are supposed to be at this very moment...

you can do everything you think is "right" and things still may not work out the way you thought they should...

sometimes the things you know to be the most true are the hardest to accept...

it really is all going to be "OK" after all...

alone...

Guess that about sums it up.

overwhelmed...

I am tired. Getting over a cold. Still mourning for those at work that were screwed and laid off a couple of weeks ago. Seething at the administration that now is screwing me and the remaining employees of the great machine. Realizing again, after 15 years, that I have had enough of being used and not appreciated.
Awaiting a trial that will be unpleasant, and unsettling. Interviewing for a job that will be interesting, but different. Worrying, always worrying, about money. Praying, always praying, that the kids will be OK. Getting up, every day, and starting again.