My initial thoughts about tonight were "hooray--2008 is OVAH!!!" Yet, looking back, it was actually a wonderful, wonderful year. I was blessed with some of the most amazing times of my life, both with my children and alone. I made new friends, travelled more than I have travelled in my entire life, and had tons of fun. I found a new hobby. I got a new job. I tried on a couple of new relationships, and realized that I will not compromise myself for companionship--and that actually, I rather like being single! My children grew and made me proud, and I grew along with them. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. So goodbye, 2008--it was a very good year!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
goodbye, 2008...
My initial thoughts about tonight were "hooray--2008 is OVAH!!!" Yet, looking back, it was actually a wonderful, wonderful year. I was blessed with some of the most amazing times of my life, both with my children and alone. I made new friends, travelled more than I have travelled in my entire life, and had tons of fun. I found a new hobby. I got a new job. I tried on a couple of new relationships, and realized that I will not compromise myself for companionship--and that actually, I rather like being single! My children grew and made me proud, and I grew along with them. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. So goodbye, 2008--it was a very good year!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Christmas memories...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Christmas pictures...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
memories of the tree...
I have happy memories of my family's Christmas tree when I was a child--the utter enormity of it, the smell, the lights, the year(s) it fell, the old-fashioned ornaments, the ones I made every year(satin balls with pins and beads and little sequined and beaded story book characters), lying underneath it squinting to blur the lights into a million stars reflected in the icicles...
I have not so happy memories of my family's Christmas tree when I was a child as well--the fusses about the size, shape, lights, things that never seemed to matter to me then, or now.
I have happy memories of my family's Christmas tree when my kids were small--going to buy it, bringing it home, the lights, the annual ornaments they all got, the mess, the pets, the pictures, the music, the chaos, lying underneath squinting to blur the lights into a million stars reflected in the icicles...
I have not so happy memories of my family's Christmas tree when my kids were small, and evidently so do they. For the past 7 or 8 years they have had little to no interest in a tree, but I have held fast to the tradition. Last year, it was just me and Spence throwing it together. This year I think Conner has no interest whatsoever, but Spencer and Morgan Elise want to put one up. Me? I get exhausted just thinking about it. I guess I am just tired of trying. Yet I cannot imagine the house without the smell of a tree and a Christmas without those amazing icicle stars.
I guess some day I will have a year without a tree. But it doesn't look like it will be this one.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Christ Climbed Down by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
there were no rootless Christmas trees
hung with candycanes and breakable stars
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
there were no gilded Christmas trees
and no tinsel Christmas trees
and no tinfoil Christmas trees
and no pink plastic Christmas trees
and no gold Christmas trees
and no black Christmas trees
and no powderblue Christmas trees
hung with electric candles
and encircled by tin electric trains
and clever cornball relatives
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
no intrepid Bible salesmen
covered the territory
in two-tone cadillacs
and where no Sears Roebuck creches
complete with plastic babe in manger
arrived by parcel post
the babe by special delivery
and where no televised Wise Men
praised the Lord Calvert Whiskey
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
no fat handshaking stranger
in a red flannel suit
and a fake white beard
went around passing himself off
as some sort of North Pole saint
crossing the desert to Bethlehem
Pennsylvania
in a Volkswagen sled
drawn by rollicking Adirondack reindeer
and German names
and bearing sacks of Humble Gifts
from Saks Fifth Avenue
for everybody's imagined Christ child
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
no Bing Crosby carollers
groaned of a tight Christmas
and where no Radio City angels
iceskated wingless
thru a winter wonderland
into a jinglebell heaven
daily at 8:30
with Midnight Mass matinees
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and softly stole away into
some anonymous Mary's womb again
where in the darkest night
of everybody's anonymous soul
He awaits again
an unimaginable
and impossibly
Immaculate Reconception
the very craziest of
Second Comings
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
good times...

So I have this wonderful friend, more of a brother, really, with whom I have weekly playdates. We generally spend a couple of hours shooting pix, then go have a coffee or tea and coke and look at each others stuff. Afterwards, we go home and download the pix, play with them, and share our favorites. It is the highlight of my week.
The really cool part is not the picture taking, but the opportunity to share time with someone that is as comfortable to me as another person could ever be. He is more like family than my own flesh and blood, and I treasure him in a thousand different ways. So, just in case you are out there reading, sweet John, I love you, and I treasure you and our friendship. We have to continue to make time for our playdates in 2009...OK?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Do you hear what I hear?
Friday, December 5, 2008
jingle all the way...
Christmas shit is everywhere. Is is me or does it get tackier every year? The artificial gaiety is almost disturbing. So many people suffering, worrying, wondering how they are going to manage to FEED their children while others simply call in the decorators and personal shoppers, write a check, and continue along without even noticing that the day has come and gone. The only Christmas symbol I have seen that resonates with me this year is the Salvation Army lady at Kroger, ringing that infernal bell and smiling, always smiling and wishing the apathetic shoppers a Merry Christmas.
Don't get me wrong...I am not depressed. Disgusted is more like it.
"Where are you, Christmas?"
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Insight...
I am always amazed at how things work out. Being something of a control freak I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about and fussing over things that I perceive need fixing. I especially devote enormous amounts of time and energy to those problems that are not mine to fix--probably because they are the "safe ones"--if I don't succeed, well, they weren't my problems to begin with. Yet, when I finally just step back, take a deep breath and let go of my need to control and my need to be in control, things happen. Things that I could never envision, or imagine, and they happen seemingly effortlessly. Wow. The universe CAN function without my ultimate control. Amazing.
Friday, November 28, 2008
serenity...
I used to be a "meditator"...yep, used to actually get up early and sit for 30 minutes in silence, just breathing. It was, I think, a huge key to my survival during a very difficult time. As my life has changed for the better, and I have found other things to do with my time, my meditation practice has ceased. I played at it for a while, for a time formally once a week, then half-heartedly, then half-assedly, now almost never. I have reverted back to my monkey mind...ceaseless chattering and jumping about. It is time for a change. I need my time of silence back, but not for survival this time. Now it won't be the life sustaining glucose of an IV infusion into a comatose body, but the sweet icing on a warm cinnamon roll--purely to make my life richer and sweeter. A gift of time for me, from me.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
thankful...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
friendship...
Today was a wonderful day. I endured a difficult few moments; had my "day in court", shall we say, and won a victory for my kids. But the best part of it all was being surrounded and supported by my friends. I was literally held up on both sides, both hands grasped tightly by loving girlfriends, tissues supplied, shoulders offered, loving smiles, pats of encouragement. And there were more friends there: beside me, around me, in front of me, behind me...extraordinarily kind people who took time to be with me just because they wanted to support me and my chidren. I am truely, truely blessed beyond comprehension.
Thank you my sweet, kind friends...I love you all....
Monday, November 24, 2008
dog tired...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
follow, follow, follow, follow......
New adventures always remind me of the scene in The Wizard of Ox where Dorothy is starting her journey on the yellow brick road--at the very beginning--the spiral point where the red brick and yellow brick paths begin. The red path just disappears unnoticed as she hesitantly walks along the yellow path, while munchkins jump out at her encouraging her along. It was really the only option; after all, what the hell else was she supposed to do? Hang with the little people and that house with the dead witch under it?
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
knowing...
A friend of my family's has "come out" to his parents, and is amazed at their love and acceptance. Isn't that sad? Not that he is gay, but that he had to worry for even a single second that his parents, who love him more than he can even imagine, would not accept him for who he is. Still, isn't life like that? Aren't we always living in fear that we will not be accepted or loved--especially because of the very things that make us who we are? The things we cannot change. The things we shouldn't try to hide. The very essence of our being.
My children are teaching me that about myself...as I love them unconditionally--despite the disappointments, surpises, disagreements, flat out fights--I still honor, respect, admire, and yes, LOVE the very essence of who they are. And I am honored every day to be their mom.
I also know that about the Universe, or whatever you choose to call the divine force of love that most people call "God". No matter what we perceive as failing, sin, wrong-doing, fucking-up; no matter what we believe or don't believe or what we choose to call ourselves we are loved. Beyond our wildest imaginations. Loved and accepted and welcomed and honored. By the Universe. By the great Knowing. By Love.
Friday, November 14, 2008
reflections...
we are all right where we are supposed to be at this very moment...
you can do everything you think is "right" and things still may not work out the way you thought they should...
sometimes the things you know to be the most true are the hardest to accept...
it really is all going to be "OK" after all...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
overwhelmed...

I am tired. Getting over a cold. Still mourning for those at work that were screwed and laid off a couple of weeks ago. Seething at the administration that now is screwing me and the remaining employees of the great machine. Realizing again, after 15 years, that I have had enough of being used and not appreciated.
Awaiting a trial that will be unpleasant, and unsettling. Interviewing for a job that will be interesting, but different. Worrying, always worrying, about money. Praying, always praying, that the kids will be OK. Getting up, every day, and starting again.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
reflections...
There are no words, really, to describe my trip. It was just as it should have been. I am left sorting out images and memories and waiting for some deep meaning to settle in. For now I am content in having found the following:
Finally being able to "be in the moment". Even with over a hundred people waiting to see "la doctora" I was totally in sync with each patient as they came. I spent the day going from one child to the next completely without distractions: no cell phone, no beeper, no residents, no car pool, no bills, no economy, no debates, no distractions...and was therefore able to give 100% of my attention to the moment at hand. At the end of the day I was contentedly tired..not ever overwhelmed, and totally satisfied with the days work. I didn't think that was possible.
Recognition, once again, that people are basically good and kind. When you strip away all the extra shit we surround ourselves with, we are all just basic people who want the best for our families. And, we all love a smile, and a friendly hug.
Spending time with people my own age was fun. And at the same time it emphasized that I am, after all, alone. I guess I really do need to get out more.
Friday, October 3, 2008
time to go!
Well, in 24 hours I will be in Lima..hard for me to get my head around it. I am packed for the most part...only a few items to stuff in the carry-on. I think everyone knows the plan: it really does take a village to pull something like this off. Thank God for the wonderful friends that step in for me while I am away.
I am especially blessed with those three in the pic: without question, the most wonderful people I know, and the center of my universe. I love you, babies, and I miss you already. Can't wait to get back and tell you all about it!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
photo-op...

My sweet friend took this picture of me today when I should have been packing...he is one of the rocks that sustains me. We have made a vow to take a couple of hours a week to go out and take photos, and it has been about the most fun I have had in years. It is so nice to have a "playmate"--someone to go out and actually play with! We shoot about a hundred pictures each, then critique each others work. And the best part is..we are really getting better! I can hardly wait to get to Peru and start snapping away.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
anticipation.....

I am going on the trip of a lifetime in a few days: a medical mission to Peru. I will be the only pediatrician there. I am delighted beyond words and scared to death. I have anticipated this trip for years...have actually scheduled it and had to cancel, and now it looks like it is finally going to happen. I am almost afraid to believe it.
So, typical me, I have not packed. I have obtained a lot of stuff to pack, but the actual packing is still to be done. I hope that I have arranged for all the child/pet care, but I still need to make extra house keys and write everything down. I have gotten the necessary prescriptions, but have not filled them yet. I am on the edge, and almost...almost ready to take the plunge.
I somehow feel that this is going to be one of the most important things I do in my life. We are anticipating seeing 700-1000 patients in 3 days. That in and of itself will be miraculous. I just pray that we are able to give back at least half of what we receive. From my one and only other mission trip I know that I will be humbled and blessed beyond belief.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
love tree...

I've never had my initials carved into a tree. I guess that is a good thing for the trees, but a little sad somehow for me. I never knew that I was missing that until today, when I saw not one, but two beautiful old "love trees". And I wondered if any of those initials were still linked...
What happened to the sweet old traditions like carving initials and hearts into trees? I guess it started changing when people started carving into furniture and walls, then writing on them with pens. Now we have graffiti, gang symbols and tatoos. What a horrible and sorry statement.
Maybe I'm just bitter, but I am glad that no one has ever tatooed my name anywhere. And I trust it isn't emblazoned on a wall somewhere. But sweetly carved into a love tree? That would have been nice.
Friday, September 26, 2008
finally fall...

Got a new air conditioner today. More accurately, a new heat pump and furnace for the upstairs of my house. My old one was 20+ years old and dying a very expensive death, so it was time for a new one. I have not been happy about the situation. Bad financial timing, as if there is ever a "good" time to drop 6k on an air conditioner. Not to mention that the 20 year old oven died a couple of weeks ago, and the new one will be installed next week--a mere 1600 dollar adventure. All the while I steadily watch my assets disappear into nothingness, as do millions of other Americans. Still, as I sat on my porch today and piddled in my yard, which John so lovingly had helped me spruce up by trimming and pruning, I realized that I love my house. This old place has become my home--filthy carpets, leaky roof, deteriorating appliances and all. And slowly but surely I am bringing it to life and loving it into being a happy house for me and my kids. Overwhelming at times, but hey, what else have I got to do? For now I am going to just enjoy the cool mornings and evenings on my porch with a latte, and with my beloved pets (my kids are never around unless they need money, teenagers you know). And I am going to try to soak up and enjoy my life for what it is, not what I thought it would or should be.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
peace
Monday, September 22, 2008
Diving in...
I have played with the idea of posting again, and dismissed it repeatedly. Partially because I haven't felt like I had time; mainly because I have felt my life to be so completely out of control that I was afraid to try to label even a moment of it for fear that somehow that moment would be jinxed. Not that it has been all bad--let's just say that I am growing, and growth at my age can be very, very painful.
Pieces of me that I thought were dead and buried were actually only dormant, and with some attention were ready to sprout hopefully toward the sun--only to be crushed yet again. My babies were wounded while I helplessly stood by in total ignorance. Loved ones were actually people I realized I never even knew. Lifeboats sprung leaks. All in all, it has been painful--like the slow ache of a chronic disease--most days tolerable, some days damn near unbearable. I can't decide if the world is in slow motion and I am spinning out of control, or if I am slowly oozing away and the world is whizzing by me. All I know is that I am disconnected.
Yet, there have been moments of peace; of beauty and happiness and rest. Nothing sustained and nothing that felt solid, but glimpses: rememberences of the illusions I called security, love, self-assurance, safety. Illusions, yes, but they felt real at the time. And so I stumble through the days trying to catch a glimpse of peace; to hold onto for just a fleeting moment--or day--or week--that feeling of well-being. Realizing that I have to find it within myself; and looking within, seeing emptiness.
So, I have filled my hours with busy-ness, and with solitude. I have taken wonderful trips, made some great memories with my friends and kids, given selflessly to any and every cause I thought needed me. I have given myself gifts, taken up a new and long desired hobby, found a new exercise routine. And I wait. Hoping, every day, for an epiphany of just what it all means. And what my role in it is supposed to be.
Pieces of me that I thought were dead and buried were actually only dormant, and with some attention were ready to sprout hopefully toward the sun--only to be crushed yet again. My babies were wounded while I helplessly stood by in total ignorance. Loved ones were actually people I realized I never even knew. Lifeboats sprung leaks. All in all, it has been painful--like the slow ache of a chronic disease--most days tolerable, some days damn near unbearable. I can't decide if the world is in slow motion and I am spinning out of control, or if I am slowly oozing away and the world is whizzing by me. All I know is that I am disconnected.
Yet, there have been moments of peace; of beauty and happiness and rest. Nothing sustained and nothing that felt solid, but glimpses: rememberences of the illusions I called security, love, self-assurance, safety. Illusions, yes, but they felt real at the time. And so I stumble through the days trying to catch a glimpse of peace; to hold onto for just a fleeting moment--or day--or week--that feeling of well-being. Realizing that I have to find it within myself; and looking within, seeing emptiness.
So, I have filled my hours with busy-ness, and with solitude. I have taken wonderful trips, made some great memories with my friends and kids, given selflessly to any and every cause I thought needed me. I have given myself gifts, taken up a new and long desired hobby, found a new exercise routine. And I wait. Hoping, every day, for an epiphany of just what it all means. And what my role in it is supposed to be.
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